Friday, June 22, 2007

Steinbrenner to Get Slap Happy with Jason Giambi

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has reached an agreement with Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to join the impending interrogation of first baseman Jason Giambi.

Under a plan outlined by Selig, Giambi will answer questions from former U.S. Sen. George Mitchell while seated under a hot lamp in a dark room at Major League Baseball's suite of offices in New York.

Utlizing the old "good-cop, bad cop" scenario, Steinbrenner will begin the inquiry with a series of tough, unrelenting questions about steroid use. From time to time "The Boss" will grab Giambi by his lapels and threaten to revoke his contract, shake him and perhaps even slap him, though leave no marks.

Mitchell will then enter, feign alarm and pull Steinbrenner away, then offer Giambi a cigarette and pour him a cup of coffee. Once Giambi calms down, Mitchell will act sympathetic, pretend to be Giambi's buddy, gain his confidence and elicit information while Giambi is off guard.

The grilling will go back and forth like that for three days or more, depending how long it takes for Giambi to -- as Selig describes it -- "crack." While Giambi sweats, Selig and Steinbrenner will watch comfortably through a two-way mirror.

If Giambi still won't spill his guts, expect the Guantanamo treatment.